As the festive season gets into full swing, there are some pressing questions that only Siri can really help you with
Siri, find me a sweater that is over-sized, but I’m not talking just baggy here, I’m talking about a sweater that delights in swallowing you whole. That one can inhabit, like a studio flat or small village, a place of sanctuary, solace, respite, cashmere. Or, if not available, 10 minutes of calm and a high-percentage wool mix. A sweater that takes at least 40 minutes to get over your head, but only seconds to make you feel like a baby, suckling. Its arms should be long enough to tie around your vested body, should you require compression for security, but push-up-able, so it won’t trail in your cereal at breakfast time. The sweater should feel both heavy and weightless, solid enough to act as a makeshift tent for one to retreat into during awkward interactions. Colour: navy blue.
Siri, what is the word for, “Thank you for this gift, but it makes me want to die, for it reveals in its velvety plastic the fact that all this time you, a person I care about, have never really known me. You have held on to quite the wrong memories. For example, once I expressed an interest in shoes, or elephants, and so you created a vivid picture of a person obsessed, presenting me annually with a small ceramic sandal, or large plush mammal with soft prehensile trunk.” What is the word?
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