You must do whatever it takes to keep your spirit alive – with or without your husband, says Mariella Frostrup
The dilemma I dropped my son off at university a few weeks ago. I’m not worried about him – he’s going to have a great time. If he does struggle, he’s got good support from many quarters, as well as me. But I am distraught and feel isolated. My husband isn’t his dad, and none of my stepchildren went to uni. My husband sees them regularly, so he can’t relate. I love my husband, but we started with few common interests and over the years we’ve become more different. This new situation has highlighted the fact we are not the functioning couple we were. My job pays well and is fulfilling, but I work long hours and I’m often exhausted. I feel as though everything anchoring me has gone with my son moving out and I’m floating around, wondering what the hell I’m doing. I’ve decided to make no major decisions just now, but I’m dreaming of selling everything I own, buying a motorhome and travelling the country. Where do I go from here? How do I cope with the massive, empty hole that was occupied by my child?
Mariella replies That’s a toughie. I know that being part of a crowd doesn’t dissipate pain, but you are certainly not alone. Among my friends and in my mail bag there’s a steady stream of, mainly, women expressing similar sentiments. I often wonder if the reason is because there are still plenty of us whose lives have been largely centred on parenting. That’s bound to make the chasm when kids leave feel bottomless. We’re also less likely to have hobbies to fill our downtime: shouting at our favourite teams from the sofa, or chasing a small ball around a fairway, for example.
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