She’s crossing lines and you need to let her know, says Mariella Frostrup. It’s high time you two talked
The dilemma I have a good friend I have known since before I could walk. We were at school and college together and share many friends. Our parents and older siblings are friends, too. We also lived together for years, although I moved out recently. This woman is charming, charismatic, very clever and funny. She lights up a room. But over the past few years, I have found her increasingly difficult. She dominates every social situation. But because we’re considered a double act and I am more introverted, I feel like the lesser of two halves. I find myself shrinking. She constantly repeats things I’ve told her in confidence. From when I was young, she’s put down friends I make independently of her. Now I have just found out she wants to apply for a job where I work. I’m very upset. It’s a small company and we’d have to work together closely. I know this would be toxic. When we lived together, I poured a lot of energy into work. That space felt untouchable. Now she’s trying to move in on it and I feel very angry.
Mariella replies Me too! Friends are only friends as long as they act like them. There’s no point maintaining an intimate relationship with somebody who doesn’t have your welfare at the forefront of their priorities. There are plenty of acquaintances and strangers who can rustle up a put-down, break your trust, envy your success or relish your failures. A friend does none of these and the minute they do it’s time to re-evaluate your union.
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